The days pass by...

I wonder why you're not by my side.
I'm here without you.
Sleepless nights; I try and try..
To figure out why I'm here without you.



Sometimes I go thru a little "phase" where nothing seems to make sense, and I honestly have no clue what I want out of life. Yes, that's a part of life, and I realize that. But it doesn't make it any better when I'm feeling that way. All I know is that I want to do something great with my life, with my experiences. I want to make a difference, and be the person I wish could have been there for me. I want to help people. I love making people laugh, and making people happy. It gives me the greatest feeling ever. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy, and to feel loved. It hurts to know that some people don't feel that way, and even feel the exact opposite of that.


I'm kind of in a waiting place, it seems like. I keep having to wait for things, it seems like. I want to graduate so bad. RIGHT now. But I still have a whole year and a half to go, and that gets irritating at times. I'm excited for my senior year though, so that makes it a little better. I've just always felt older than I really am, so it's a weird feeling. I don't know.


I miss the feeling of home. I don't have that anymore, anywhere. When I left Kewanee, it was still home to me and every time I went back, it was like I'd never left. I assumed Peoria would eventually feel like home, but now I don't think it ever will. It isn't the place for me. Dunlap is not me at all; I don't feel welcome anywhere, and I do not fit in with anything at the school. I went to Kewanee last weekend, and I realized that it isn't home anymore, either. It made me really sad, and made me come to terms with the fact that I really don't have a place that I feel I belong anymore. maybe that's why I'm so anxious to go to college and make my own home. One will that feel right to me, and one that I can change whenever I want to....


On a lighter note....I love Jimmy Robbins. I literally. Love him. I am confident that if he lived here and wasn't at all famous, I would feel the same way. He is wonderful and I wish we were in love right now. That's all. :]





So, I finally watched Across the Universe, and I loved it. I love The Beatles, and it was just altogether a really spectacular movie!!



All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love
love
love
.....
Love is all you need. <3

Why

did I go and delete so many entries?
Because as much as I may feel differently now,
those were my feelings.
And I know that they were real.


Sometimes, the feelings we start having for someone..
Are feelings that never really went away.

Look to the sun

The days seem long, and the nights seem too short.
Her head is confused, and it is the last resort.
It seems right now that there's now way out.
She can't find her way and she just wants to shout.
They tell her they'll listen, but she knows they don't care.
I only wish I could show her, that I'll always be there.
This hurt that she's feeling; this overwhelming pain...
It won't last forever, and she can break this endless chain.
These words, I would tell her if she'd give me the chance.
I would say so many things, but maybe I can't.
See, I've been where you are and I know how you feel.
The pain that you're feeling, It's so very real.
But these things, we can't change; there's no reason to fret.
I have this inner hope, and I'm willing to bet
That things WILL get better, just you wait and see
Things will get better for you and for me.

Break what's already broken..

Laughter.
Smiles.
Friends.
Love.
Happy.
Fun.
Carefree.
Safe.
Joy.
Hope.
New.
Scary.
Unknown.
Nothing.
Silence.
Afraid.
Cliques.
Friends.
Alone.


Perfect.
Tears.
Smiles.
Tears.
Love.
Tears.
Happy.
Tears.
Hope.
Tears.
Trust.
Tears.
Faith.
Tears.
Life.
Tears.

Now you just become..

Like everything I'll never find again.
At the bottom of the ocean....

You sound so lonely..

I remember the simple things,
I remember 'til I cry..
But the one thing I wish I'd forget,
The memory I wanna forget....
Is Goodbye.



I know I'm wasting my time.
But I don't mind.
hrnbkinhryjw


I hate seeing you so sad.
So alone and confused.
Even if you hide it,
you can't hide it from me.
I know you better than you think.
And I can't help but think about you.
I'm not really sure what that means?
But I'm also not sure if I should care.
I don't know.
All I know is I miss you.
And I hate that I do.
And I hate that we don't talk anymore.


I'm just at a loss.
And I'm not sure what to do....

The scars remind us, the past is real

I hate being afraid of things.
Things that I shouldn't be afraid of.
I can't bring myself to just let it go.
And try to let something happen.
I don't know if it's because of my past,
Or maybe I'm just doing the same thing.
Thinking too much, over-analyzing....
Either way, it isn't good.
I don't know how to let go of this feeling.
But maybe it isn't just a feeling???
Maybe I feel weird because it isn't right?
Perhaps I'm only fooling myself....
And I just want this more than I need it.
I want it so bad, that I'm just pretending.





I'm only fooling myself, yeah yeah.

I won't try to philosophize

I'll just take a deep breath &&
I'll look in your eyes....


Ugh.
I hate this feeling.
I can't even explain it.
It's just like...blahh.
That's all that comes out when I try.
I feel sad for no reason.
Like, I have NO reason to be.
Really.
But it comes and I can't do anything about it.

I'll try to let go of it, and make myself at least pretend to be alright until it goes away. I like being a happy person, but sometimes my head just gets all confused and I don't really know what to do about it.





This is the best thing,
The best thing that could be happening...
And I think you would agree;
The best thing is that it's happening
to you and me.

Something More

I'm really not sure what I was thinking.
Wasting my time on him??
Two whole years??
Seriously, I'm not that pathetic.
Really.

I was just fooling myself and honestly thought he was the greatest guy ever. Maybe I was just trying to make something work that never even would have. And really, I'm okay with that. Because I don't think it would have been as perfect as it seemed in my head. Nothing ever really is, I suppose.

It's been a few months since I've felt anything towards him, other than friendship. And I'm really glad because caring about him so much was just a waste of my heart and was for nothing. I want to be friends with him, but if he could never hang out or spend time with me before, I highly doubt a friendship will work without seeing or talking to each other. Ha.

Well...anyways. I think I've found someone new. Someone better. And not just better than him, but better than I ever thought I would be able to have. After so many disappointments and let downs by people, you start to lose faith in lots of things. Including the hope for a guy who can really prove to you that he ISN'T just like all of the others. But now, I'm starting to let go of that in my head. And trying to let something happen that could possibly be really wonderful and change the way I think about lots of things.

It's amazing when you have such low expectations (Not standards, expectations. Don't get me wrong here) in what is possible to find out there, and you're thinking you'll never find anyone even remotely good enough or decent enough to give your heart to. And then you find someone, and you start to re-think all of those thoughts you had about guys and relationships and what's really worth it.

What I'm trying to say here, is that...I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I think I may have found that one guy who makes all of the bad stuff okay,
and gives those silly love songs meaning,
and makes me smile without even being here,
and so many other things.

I don't want to say anymore, mostly because I'm kind of jumping the gun here. But I really believe this could be one of the best things to happen. And although the timing is kind of off, at the same time this is happening exactly when I needed it most.






I'm only me when I'm with you<3

The dawning of a new age

Last night, I dreamt that you kissed me under the stars.
Even in my sleep-you took my breath away.....








.

You don't..

You don't mean anything to me.
You're what I never want to be.
You don't mean anything to me...

Love Is The Movement.

The pressure builds up and refuses to let up.
There's something underneath and it's getting her fed-up.
She's gorgeous;;yet so naive.
So the world takes advantage of her heart on her sleeve.
They say that she's crazy, but they just don't know..
Of all of the darkness surrounding her soul.
She's just sixteen, trapped in a bad dream.
She turns up her music to drown out the screams.
With tears of frustration rolling down her cheeks,
The body is willing, but the mind is too weak.
She knows what's to come,
Now she's gritting her teeth.
She's killing herself but she needs the release.
With no one to help--a self reservation,
She picks up the razor with no hesitation.


Press on 'til the break of dawn.
Stay strong; Carry on, carry on, carry on.

[[Oh God, here she goes again.
Oh God, here she goes again.
Oh God, here she goes again.
Oh God, here she goes again.]]


Her razor blade seems like her only friend,
The only thing that can release the pain within.
And each scar tells of some sad story..
Of pain, self-destruction, and falling from glory.
The liquor and drugs only take her so far;
She longs for the sting of the cut down her arm.
Her self-medication is self-mutilation.
Her heart is racing from anticipation.
The room starts to spin as the blood rushes down.
Her hope falls along side of her to the ground.
All it takes is one person to lead her from here,
So who will speak up so the truth is revealed?


Press on 'til the break of dawn.
Stay strong; Carry on, carry on, carry on..........

I just want to see you laugh;;

Not cry.
I love you 'til the end.


This week was really hard for me.
Probably the hardest in a long time.
The thing is...I don't even know why.
I guess it's just one of those things.
But it's happened before.
Been there done that.
So I'm really used to it actually.
Except when things just keep happening.
Like, one thing happens and you're slightly upset.
Then something else puts you in a bad mood.
And then another thing makes you really distant.
Or not wanting to do anything at all.
But then that one last thing does the trick.
And you're just wondering why.
Why you ever thought things were getting better.
Or why you fooled yourself into believing a lie.

I think it's going away though.
I'll be fine. I always am.
I'm in a better state of mind now..

Way to go kid.
You've got this spell on her that she just can't seem to break.
She is so strong and in an instant, you could break her down.
She knows you won't but you could and that scares her.
She has realized she has made some mistakes
in the past and when you're up to your old tricks,
she's tempted to make them again.
But yet, coming back to you seems to be her favorite habit.
And like they say,

Old habits die hard.

&& i'm still trying to figure out how it could be..

She's been through more than the average girl can take.
If you ask her, she will say its all in the past,
And shes never looking back...
But you can tell it in her eyes,
that she never wants to deal with it again.

I want this.

It's a Long Trip Alone.

Do you ever just want someone to cuddle up with? I mean yeah, I might be a hopeless romantic, and maybe I would like things to be a little more easy when it comes to love, but I really don't think it's too much to ask. I like the feeling of someone next to me and it makes me feel better. Everyone's always saying that there's a person out there for everyone, and all that, but it's not like someone is just going to come up to me one day and say "Hey, I'm your true love. Let's get to know each other." I don't know... I just want someone who will always be there. Who won't fall into what other people think and what everyone else cares about. You probably won't even know them in ten years. Or five. Or even two. Think about it. You'll go off to college and do whatever makes YOU happy, not what the other people in your class think is fulfilling. So why do people care so much about everyone else's opinions of them?? I'll be the first to admit, I sometimes care way too much about it. But I love being different. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. What I mean is that I just want one person who will always love me and care about me, and be okay with just hanging out with me, and not have to always go to parties or do what everyone else is doing. Someone I can just cuddle up with and watch a movie or talk or just...whatever we want to do. Oh well. I guess he'll come along soon enough. I try not to get caught up in it, because there's so much more important things right now. But everyone's different, and even though I'm really independent and like to do things for myself and not rely on other people; everyone needs someone. I could never live my whole life without another person there with me..

I need something new.

I need a constant.

Sixteen Candles :]

I'm soo ready to turn 16!! Time has just gone by soo fast. It feels slow, but then all of a sudden 10 years has passed. I still remember sitting on the playground and talking about when we get into high school and how COOL it would be. And how it would be just the greatest thing EVER to be able to DRIVE. Geeeeeez. It's so crazy. I've been trying to really take time to appreciate everything I have, and my friends. They're seriously soo great...I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them there to make me laugh, brighten my day when nothing's going right, and just to be able to send pix messages in Spanish Class!! Haha. :)

With all of the GOOD things, I've also been pretty stressed about some things. I'm trying really hard to get good grades because I want to get off to a good start for college, but it's really hard for me. For so many different reasons. Sometimes I'm just slacking, but either way, it's stressful! Plus I REALLY need a job. I can't get my license unless I have a job, and it's hard to get a job before you turn 16. I want to get my license ON my birthday!!! I think it'll all work out, but it's just nerve-racking in the meantime.

I turn 16 in less than a month, and I'm going to Europe next Summer. : ) I have a lot to look forward to...

Here without you, baby..

I miss him;; all the time..I miss him.
It's not waves, it's constant. All the time.
-» Grey`s Anatomy